I was stuck awake one night with my mind racing, looking back at what this year has been. The thoughts started really dark, but I was able to turn them around. I grabbed my phone and furiously typed everything out next to my sleeping husband. I think it perfectly summarizes a lot in my life right now and more importantly what this year has been to me. I apologize for the length in advance, but hopefully you walk away feeling a little bit more encouraged that you’re not alone.
2020 started off with a bang.
Newly married, newly jobless, new apartment, new city, new life, and overwhelming shock.
The holidays were over and the hustle and bustle of just creating new everything had ended. 2020 had rung in loud and clear. THIS would be THE year.
Until suddenly it wasn’t.
There I found myself. Alone, emotional, distraught and directionless. I had done it! I was freshly married, free of what I hope was the worst job of my career, in a new city with the world at my feet. Everything was supposed to be set, accept it wasn’t.
I told myself I would get a quick easy little job to fill the time, but when I was finally honest with myself, I didn’t want to just work at Target. I told myself that marrying this guy was going to be great and life would just work itself out, until it wasn’t like I thought it would be. I told myself we would be moved by august and none of it would matter anyway, but we’re still here.
The depression took hold and the light at the end of the tunnel dimmed.
What had I done?
Or more importantly, what had God done.
Jobless, sitting in the same city for another year, marriage seemed like a mistake on so many levels, and who I was as a person no longer existed. I had failed.
And I cried.
In January, I realized that while I might not want to work at Kroger, I needed to do something. I thank God for my lifelong family friends. The brother was building his own business near by and needed help a couple days a week with basic work in a warehouse. It was my saving grace. Having no real social contact had worn me down more then I had realized. It was honest pay and a flexible schedule. I felt I had earned this little reprieve after the insanity of grad school right into a full time job. It also allowed me to play house wife and dally around with chores, etc. It wasn’t what I had wanted, but it was enough.
Around February, my husband had been studying for the GMAT for months. He had a great score, worked on a million applications, and spent a couple thousand dollars when it was all said and done to get into grad school. At the end of April we realized it wasn’t going to happen this year. He hadn’t gotten into any of the programs he had wanted to. We made the decision to stay in Columbus another year. It was the best decision we could make, but I felt conflicted.
For the first time in my life, I found myself buried in my thoughts and I couldn’t dig myself out. The plan that was going to save me wasn’t going to be a reality. But I realized that in not going to grad school this year was that I could do something about my mental state because our health insurance wasn’t going to run out. Even better, I was able to spend much needed additional time with my family. Despite the positive outlook and the much needed income, I couldn’t get myself to look forward to tomorrow. Five months in to it all, I started therapy.
In May, Corona was in full swing. Mike was furloughed and we stayed with my parents for two weeks. Things slowly returned to normal, well the new normal, and work picked back up; my warehouse job had exploded over night. Therapy continued through the summer and I was taught how to use mental tools to help me re-examine my reality with truth and optimism, i.e. my world wasn’t going to end. More importantly it was a life lesson in get over yourself and take toe God. Around September, I started to feel myself again.
The next few months blend together. Me pushing myself to create the type of life I want to live now and not dwelling on all that it wasn’t, because the truth was that life was pretty damn good. A little bit of sled doubt crept back in when I learned my husband had thought I would do more or be more and financially contribute in ways I simply hadn’t. So I started applying for jobs like a fresh faced undergrad hoping anything would stick and crying when they all fell through. At my one year mark of being unemployed, I broke down for the 100th time. My mental health had changed and my vigor for life returned, but my circumstances weren’t any different.
I was still jobless, my marriage was still a frustration, and we still weren’t sure where we were living next. The thought process went something like this: I hadn’t fully committed to team mentality, I had wasted a year of potential for productivity on nothing, I hadn’t done or seen or lived a fraction of the life I had wanted to, and God still hadn’t given me an answer on any of my questions.
My Leo/type 3 inner being was crushed. The feeing of failure was all around me and I couldn’t even comprehend what would be next. So I called my dad.
He told me that every ounce of everything I was feeling was normal. He told me I hadn’t failed anyone or anything. He told me I wasn’t letting anyone, even myself, down. He told me I didn’t waste anything by nothing. He told me there are millions of people in my shoes feeling how I feel and that every single one of them works out how they should. He told me that God didn’t forget me and he wasn’t playing a joke. He told me I was going to be ok. And I believe him.
Then I remembered everything I have done this year. I helped my friend build his business up. I helped my oldest friend with her new puppy while she worked and we went to her parents lake house (finally!!). I got to travel down to Cincy whenever I wanted to spend time with my mom and family. I got to help move my sister across the country because I had the time. I went with my bestie to some random blogger event because I could. I spent a whole day with a new friend creating new community. I traveled to more Ohio state parks then I knew existed. I got to be a model for eyebrow-microblading because I had the time to spare. I invested (and lost money) in attempting to learn how to sell on amazon, but learned so many fascinating piece for selling online. I became a MaryKay consultant, because why not? I started a podcast with my bestie and did I mention how much time I got to spend with my family?
None of the issues have just disappeared in my life. None of those thoughts have just gone away. But here’s what I’ve learned… correction, I am learning in (from) 2020.
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
— Isaiah 40:28-31
It’s December. This awful dreaded year is coming to a close, with the ‘rona taking us down for two weeks. I’ve hated this year and I hate how I have felt most of it. I still feel like a failure and that probably won’t change for awhile. But now whenever I struggle with the voices inside, I remember what I have done and lean in to hope… then the light gets a little bit brighter at the end of that tunnel again. And I remember… the year’s almost over, Jesus still loves me, and wow… look at what God has done.
In the Moment with Me 